


A Different Direction

by raelee514



Series: To Refashion [2]
Category: Downton Abbey
Genre: Internalized Homophobia, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-13
Updated: 2017-02-13
Packaged: 2018-09-24 04:16:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,138
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9700685
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/raelee514/pseuds/raelee514
Summary: Thomas embarks on Choose Your Own Path in an attempt to be like other men (and forget Jimmy Kent.)





	

Thomas felt numb. The world seemed distant. He wasn’t sure he liked it at all. He almost walked out when they told them they were going to shock him. But they’d seen his trepidation and compelled him to stay. With the promises it would put him on the correct path. The right one, if he truly wanted to change he had to take the risk. 

It decided it for him. He decided to do this, to finally find a way to be like other men. To maybe find some happiness in his life. If this was the way for him to do it. If this was the way — and it was he thought, it was. He would step forward and not turn back. 

So he sat down and bit down on something the gave him — so he would bite his tongue — and allowed them to shock him. He took it. He’d taken worse, he told himself. Been hit harder, had ribs cracked, had a bullet tear through his hand. He’d chosen those actions too and hadn’t they worked out for the best in the end.

_Jimmy._

No. Thomas’s eyes opened and he looked at the ceiling of the small and moldy room they’d given him. He was numb and the world seemed to have a fog around it. He’d lost time and he was confused on it it was much later or not all that much later at all. He was starting a journey to put certain things behind him. Jimmy being paramount.

Shouldn’t he be but a foggy memory. 

~~~

The second shock treatment was worse, Thomas felt shaky and he couldn’t remember for hours if he was leaving the next day or the day after that. They told him again and again. They gave him pictures of naked women. They gave him exercises and mantras to say if he found his thoughts drifting towards thoughts of men and the sinful pleasures between them. 

He had ask them to repeat themselves. And they did patiently, telling him the cloudiness was normal. The cloudiness would pass but he would feel stronger, better and leave his sin behind. 

They gave scriptures and prayers for him to say. 

~~~

Once his mind was less addled he was given a box. He opened it and saw vials, needles and pills. They explained this was to continue the therapy while on his own. The medicine would help purge him, cleanse him and help his mind stay focused on the right path. The path away from sin. 

He felt overwhelmed the first time they had him fill a syringe with fluid. Tears pricked at his eyes but there was no turning back. None at all. He knew how to perform injections. His time in the Army had seen to that and he told the nurse explaining it all to him as much. 

“Then it will be simpler for you,” she’d smiled at him. 

Thomas wondered if he was mean to find her attractive. Had he had enough therapy yet. She seemed the pretty type, he thought. Big eyes, nice smile, blonde hair. He felt nothing though — not even dislike. Which was his main emotion about so many people. 

“Go on, take your first dose. One step closer to finding a wife, a family, a life.”

He stared at her. A wife? Yes, he supposed that was the path he was trying to take wasn’t it? It wasn’t only about being more like other men, it was about doing what those men did — Like Bates and Anna. A love, a life, the possibilities. A cottage and warm blessings. 

Thomas stuck the needle into his right buttock as they suggested. It stung and the fluid went into his system. He closed his eyes and whispered one of the small lines of prayer they’d given him. To help him be strong and stay on the right road, free of sin. 

“And the pills. Two a day. One in the morning and one at night.”

Thomas nodded. 

~~~

The injection site was pink and hurt to touch. Thomas winced as the needle pinched more than expected as he pushed more of the medicine into his system. He stared at the pink, it seemed bright, almost red, surrounded by his white skin. 

“Oh. That will pass. The treatment comes with some pain. It’s not easy to purge oneself of sin. But stick with the prayers, look at the pictures, take the medicine and you’ll find yourself freer and freer. A real man.” 

Thomas nodded at the man, so there would be pain. Thomas could handle pain. It would pass, he would pass through it all. Cleansed and different. He’d have the hope of finding himself that happiness… 

That happiness that…

Jimmy wished him. 

It was the first time he thought of him in over twenty-four hours. Thomas reminded himself before he let anger at the thought rage up in him. That was the longest he’d gone when he thought about it. It was starting, it would work, he’d forget about Jimmy and just focus on finding the same happiness all other men seek and can have — 

A life without the sin of wanting pleasure with men. 

~~~

He was exhausted when he walked through the doors of Downton Abbey. He’d given himself another shot on the train. Pain shooting through him but he reminded himself good would come of it. He felt queasy and shaky but he told himself it was anxiety fear. He was forging ahead alone. His cleansing had to be done on his own. 

Thomas would not turn back. 

He turned down Mrs. Hughes offer of food and continued his lie about his dying father but announcing he was doing much better and it turns out he would live. He supposed his father would live, for a long time to come — his grandfather had lived a long life. 

Thomas would too he thought — and it was best he was doing this now. It was nice to think that maybe there was happiness in his future. If he had to feel queasy and out of sorts for a short time to be sure of it. 

So be it. 

Later that night he took the pills and gave himself his next injection. The rash at the injection site was pinker and bigger. But they’d said it would pass and he was sure it would. It was pain, nothing else, he’d felt greater pain in his life time than this physical stab. 

He flexed his left hand. To remind himself. He flexed his left hand and reminded himself that pain had once delivered him from the hells of war. This pain would deliver him from the hell life had forced on him. 

He would change. Be like others. Be better. 

Thomas wiped at his eyes and pretended it wasn’t because of tears.


End file.
